Be safe, buy an Iraqi Freedom T-shirt

I saw the new civilian Army safety officer at my current location today. He is, of course, incredibly dangerous.

This should not surprise anyone acquainted with Army logic, which dictates that some jobs be given out to people on the premise that they either perplex or humor other soldiers, thereby distracting them from their difficult mission. This in turn boosts morale, assuming no one gets hurt.

Eager to make a big safety impact, the safety officer grabbed a ladder and climbed up to a light fixture with a burnt bulb. The safety officer is not a small man. The locally bought ladder was well aware of this, as much as an inanimate object can be aware of anything. As he climbed the top steps, the ladder bowed under his weight. Several people noticed, but no one was quite sure how to tell the safety officer. As a rule of thumb, if you can’t tell someone that they are engaging in risky behavior on a base, you report it. The report would then be forwarded to … the safety officer. He could then forward the matter to a pile of paperwork to a higher up safety officer, who would review the report, say, about the time the U.S. is ready to remove Saddam Hussein’s great-grandniece from power.

The safety officer’s next move was to ask Sergeant 1^st Class Mike about the fire extinguishers. “Why weren’t they in boxes? We need to make boxes. The regulation states that each fire extinguisher shall be mounted on the wall in a box.”

SFC Mike pointed out that this would require taking several soldiers off duty to make fire extinguisher boxes. Some of these soldiers were rather busy with trivial pursuits, like watching the perimeter for insurgent attacks on the first day of Ramadan – a time when jihadists believe they will go to a special place in heaven as a reward for martyrdom.

“I told him that actually, the regulation doesn’t require boxes,” Mike said. “It says the fire extinguishers should be placed in boxes if they are available. In the absence of boxes, a sign at eye level should be placed on walls, with arrows pointing to the fire extinguishers.”

Paper signs were made, and the safety officer left in a huff. Times like these, I begin to wonder if I’m about to run into Heller's Major Major Major Major. Rule pushers like the safety officer are actually a time-honored tradition in the army. It’s something new that makes me wonder if I’ve crossed into the twilight zone. We’ve turned a war zone into Your Official Operation Iraqi Freedom Shopping Destination.

Most bases both stateside and abroad have a PX, or post exchange, where servicemembers and other base denizens can purchase tax-free stuff they would find at retail stores. Most PX’s in Iraq resemble a 7-11, adding special forces knives and subtracting the Slurpees.

The PX on Camp Liberty near Baghdad resembles a Wal-Mart. Shoppers can buy digital camcorders, books and furniture. They can buy music, and not just those $2.99 tapes you find at truck stops in Alabama. I considered purchasing a collection of rare hits by The Animals.

The most striking items are the ones that market the war as something like a tourist attraction. You can buy Hard Rock Cafe, Baghdad (under new management) mugs; "Happiness is Iraq in My Rear View Mirror” hats; and what war souvenir collection would be complete without a “Naked Camel Watching Team” T-shirt? Each of these items comes in a variety of sizes to fit the whole family.

The 101^st Airborne, the same folks from “Band of Brothers,” will be taking over command of the north-central area of operation, a place the size of Maryland. I’m imagining going back in time to Bastogne in 1944, with Rangers pinned down in the snow, surrounded by enemy gunfire.

“Hi, guys. In 60 years, your division will be at war again, except they’ll be shopping for ‘Don’t Make Me Open This Can of Whoop Ass’ T-shirts inside an air-conditioned, portable battlefield superstore. In between, they’ll be rounding up people who believe that God will grant them 40 virgins in heaven if they blow themselves to smithereens.”

To think, all I wanted to buy when I got here was some Saddam money from a kid outside the base with a pimped-out tricycle.